Humor: Very Brief Letters from the War

Also known as "The great Civil War booty call" when it was performed at the Killing My Lobster "Sex Battle" show. More recently published in the excellent The Tusk.

"My Dearest Nathaniel..."

"My Dearest Nathaniel..."

May 10th, 1863

To My Beloved Nathaniel,

I yearn for the day we win this damned war against the Union and you are returned home to me. Each day I miss you more than I thought possible. I fear that my poor heart will fairly explode from the longing I feel.

I realize you are quite busy protecting the Confederacy, but I received your most recent letter and was surprised by its brevity. It read simply, “Yo. You up?”

I asked daddy if it might be some sort of secret code, in case the Union intercepts the mail. He just said, “Oh, it’s code, all right” and took to cleaning his gun.

I for one am pleased to tell you that yes, I am “up,” though we often turn in early as we are conserving lamp oil for the war. I wait eagerly for your next letter.

All my love,

Constance

**

September 22nd, 1863:

My Desperately Adored Nathaniel,

The days we remain apart drag ever on, and the nights even more so. I did receive your last, extremely terse communique, in which you wrote, “Send a pic.”

I apologize for my tardiness in complying, but the only portrait artist daddy could find was wounded in Antietam and had to re-learn painting with his remaining hand. I hope the cherrywood frame is sturdy enough to bear the travel by horse.

I mentioned to daddy that I might just ask you to send me a “pic” in return, and he immediately took to target practice on our back forty.

All my affection,

Constance

**

January 12th, 1864

My Dearest Nathaniel,

When your delivery came, I nearly fainted: A photograph! An actual battlefield daguerreotype from the man I love!

At least, that’s what daddy says it was. He insisted on looking at it first, whereupon his face turned white and he refused to show it to me. He assured me that such a scientifically accurate rendition of you might be too much for my young heart.

Daddy even offered to return the photo to you himself. Please don’t worry for his safety, darling, for he took both hunting rifles, and that large knife he uses to castrate the mules.

I do hope I’ll see a photograph one day. Isn’t modern technology exciting?

My deepest love, your soon-bride-to-be,

Constance

*

Humor: The Legend of St. Pat's Bar Crawl

I've only just recovered from St. Patrick's Day, which is why it's taken so long for me to post this piece I wrote for The Tusk that dropped around that time. The ultimate St. Pat's bar crawl, as told by a young lady who is the worst. 

 The Legend of Saint Patrick’s Day Bar Crawl

By Kaitlyn Tiffany Weston

As told to Ken Grobe

Time: 5:23 PM

Bar: Chachlagen O’Lichniches

Everyone knows the value of a holiday is measured by its bar crawl. Halloween is way too cold to go from bar to bar when you’re dressed as sexy Incredible Hulk. Which means the best holiday is St. Patrick’s Day. That’s why every March 17, I take my two best bitches, plus Jared, who’s bi so he’s like half bitch, and we have to hit EVERY. SINGLE. IRISH. BAR on Horton Street between 21st and 23rd. Everyone gets completely schnackered and guys hit on us and fights break out and police horses get stabbed and it’s super fun.

This year we’re starting at Chachlagen O’Lichliches, which might actually be a Jewish deli but they serve green beer so whatever.

Time: 7:04 PM

Bar: The Hog and Goiter

So we’re barely six drinks in at the Goiter and Summer is like, “Kaitlyn” and I’m like “What?” and Summer’s like “SHE’s here” And then I’m like “Who’s here?” and then I hear the wailing. You know how you have that friend you see just once a year because that’s all you can stand them? For us, that’s the Banshee.

The Banshee is a total hoverer who stands near a bunch of people she doesn’t really know and waits for a break in the conversation so she can start moaning about how she drowned in a moor 600 years ago. We’re always like “Bitch, shut up and drink!” But she just drones on and on about the moss in her lungs and blah blah SUCH a drama queen. It just gets so boring that we take her to karaoke and ditch her as soon as she starts singing “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” Also, why is she always damp? It’s called a hair dryer, Banshee. Google it.

Time: 9:47 PM

Bar: The Pregnant Rose

I’m not gonna lie; I’m super into short guys. So when I came out of my blackout to find myself making out with one, I was NOT surprised. First of all, FYI, derby hats are the new fedoras. Second, he had one of those U-shaped beards with no mustache, which–newsflash–is the new sideburns. And then? When he jumped off his stool to fix my shoe? I wanted to bang the green off his bow tie. So I said “Let’s go back to your place” and suddenly he goes super aggro. He calls me names and he’s all, “Me gold! You’re after me gold!” and I’m like “I don’t need your stupid gold. Do you know who my dad is?” Then he tries to bite me, so Lachlan the bouncer hauls him outside.

Later that night we spotted Lachlan but he had donkey ears and we were like, “It’s not Halloween, Lachlan.” Some people live for attention.

Time: 12:02 AM

Bar: Declan McTesticoc’s

I am generally a 100% chill person, even when I’m completely slizzrd, but it was really not cool when the snakes showed up. I mean, we’re leaving the Pregnant Rose, trying to hide the bottles of Grey Goose we stole from the back, when Ashley’s all like “Ow” and I’m like “What” and she’s like “I think a snake bit me” and I’m like “You’re such a liar, Ashley” and then she dies in the street.

That’s when I notice like thousands of actual snakes slithering down Horton Street and I scream SUPER loud. I grab Summer and Jared and pull them into McTesticoc’s and lock the door and we jump on the bar and yell “THERE ARE SNAKES OUTSIDE!” But no one could hear us over the Mumford and Sons.

Then Jared pokes my boob and says, “There’s a guy out there.” and I’m like “So what?” and he’s like “LOOK” and I look and holy shit: There’s an old man with a long beard in the middle of Horton street, just like wading into the snakes.

And Jared’s like, “isn’t that the guy who hit on you at O’Hurliflynn’s?”

And I’m like, “Oh my god.” He still had the green stain on his robe from where I threw my beer at him. Now he’s like knee-deep in snakes and he holds up this stick with a cross on top.

The guy Summer is making out with looks up and points at the window and shouts, “Hey! That dude is glowing!”

And he totally was! And his glow makes the snakes all hiss really loud and retreat. He was like some sort of snake herder or something, which I’ll bet pays TONS if you’ve got the right client. He forces all of them down the sewer, where I’m sure they will never bother us again. Everyone in the bar cheers. I was so relieved I forced Jared to make out with me. I have serious upper body strength.

Three drinks or five minutes later I say to Summer, “THAT. WAS. INSANE. Have you EVER heard of someone driving snakes away like that?” And she says, “well isn’t that what St. Patrick did?” And I’m like “Who?” And she pushes me off the bar.

And that’s when it hit me: Next year for St. Pat’s I’m wearing my sexy Incredible Hulk costume! Now THAT will be epic.

Ken Grobe doesn’t have a serious bone in his body, an unnerving result of surgery after a tragic banana-peel accident. He’s penned short stories for Penguin books, sketches and short films for San Francisco’s Killing My Lobster, and an obscene amount of ad copy for rent. He’s performed at CBGB, Joe’s Pub, and on THE NEW GONG SHOW. Don’t ask. 

American Art Academy of Art / video

Screen Shot 2013-09-13 at 4.10.08 PMBless Killing My Lobster for giving me giving me the opportunity to dig my own holes. My latest comedy short was featured in KML's Spring 2013 mainstage show, Killing My Lobster Learns a Lesson. The vid's a parody of college and technical school ads that makes fun of art school as a career choice.Screen Shot 2013-09-13 at 4.08.19 PMThis vid could not have been made without the contributions of Francine Torres, a hilarious actress and fantastic theater instructor who actually plays a theater instructor in this vid. She saw the opportunity to give her students some real-world experience, helped us to shoot at her workplace and offered her students as PAs and background players. Two of her students are actually leads in this piece--I'll let you figure out which two. Oh, and I'm in this one, briefly. I forgot to cast the Advertising instructor, and when we got to that scene, I strapped on a froofy scarf and took one for the team. At least I got the hairline right.Screen Shot 2013-09-13 at 4.07.50 PMOn a sadder note, this may well be the last project I get to work on with my regular KML production partner, Jonathan Burton, as he's since moved to NYC. Hopefully not!

PS a disclaimer: I have a lot of talented, successful friends who studied art, and there are several good art schools here in San Francisco. But there are one or two that are kind of questionable, and one for-profit university that (and I could be wrong about this) doesn't make its money from tuition so much as from being the #1 real-estate holder in the city. Just saying.

Lucha Libre Purim!

Some of my comedy videos, even *I* can't believe I made them. Others, I can't believe how good they turned out. This one is in both of those categories, to the extreme.

Unbelievable because it was inspired by, off all things, the Jewish holiday of Purim, and created for the annual KML show produced in that holiday's honor.

Good because I handed off my outline and few storyboards to the talented Bardi Twins, a husband/wife writing team (who are also an animator and a librarian to boot!).

Ty and Gina turned it onto a killer script with layers of inside jokes, then cranked out an SFX-heavy blood-and-guts ad spot for the ages. In Spanish! Add a pitch-perfect VO from Lobster alum Jon Wolanske and we could do no wrong.

Think we can't do edgy comedy based on something you'd normally see in a synagogue? This video suggests otherwise. Imagine what we could do with Flag Day.

SABADO!

Latest video: PLANET OF THE APES ORIGINAL ENDING

Written for the Fall Killing My Lobster show, the Sci-Fi-themed Killing My Lobster Conquers The Galaxy. I've always gotten a kick out of the bombastic Mr. Heston, and besides, why should the Statue of Liberty get all the props? We had a hell of a time matching the classic footage, and getting the audio on a beach where f**king cargo ships blare their horns every ten seconds. But I'm over the moon with the results.

Acted by the ever-charismatic Calum Grant, shot by the excellent Jon Burton, and written & directed by me. But watch it anyway, won't you?

New Video: "The Phone"

Don't worry, I didn't direct this one. Fellow Killing My Lobster-ites Chris Parisi & Damon Brennen asked me to play "a surly scientist" in this video, and as they make killer vids, I rushed to accept. Written & shot for the latest KML show, Killing My Lobster Reboots, here's "The Phone":

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LvKeO9Q6CII

It's been up for about four days and has topped 53,000 views as of this writing. No doubt as a result of my bravura performance. Enjoy!

A Day Job and a Dream

This latest KML video has a special place in my heart--and not just because I co-wrote and co-produced it. It's because I've spent the better part of my career juggling vocation and avocation. When I was an editor, I would write prose and comics scripts on nights, weekends, and, one very lonely Key West holiday. While in advertising, I performed weekly gigs with an improv troupe, wrote and produced a sketch comedy show, and played Joe's Pub and CBGB with my comedy/rock band. My point being, more often than not, I've used my day job to fund the stuff I loved.

That's what inspired our second of the two "Feed the Lobster" campaign spots: There's just too many of us out there with a day job and a dream.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zu-sCUAQzmo]

Ably directed by the legendary Chris Parisi and my co-writer/producer, Miriam Wild-Smith. See for yourself, feel free to donate, and have a great 2011.

"Feed the Lobster" in the SF Egotist

If there's one thing I've learned from my comedy-rock-band days, it's to be grateful for any press, good or bad. So I feel extremely fortunate that two of my KML videos received positive pixels within a day of each other! The SF Egotist, my favorite resource for local Advertising industry news, just big-upped our Feed The Lobster year-end appeals campaign, calling us "a great tax deduction." That's miles better than what AgencySpy called me the other month over "Coffee Wars." And no, I won't link to it (although I'm still grateful for it!).

"Coffee Wars" in the Bay Citizen

From my flu-sick-bed, I sat--okay, laid down--for an interview with Thalia Gigerenzer of The Bay Citizen, a very cool and objective BA news source. She wanted to know about The Coffee Wars and how much it holds a mirror up to SF coffee culture. I was not at the top of my game, but my answers were surprisingly coherent, if a bit rambling. I'm a rambler. Read the article here. The article, in turn, seems to be touching off another twitter-eddy (tweddy?) of activity about the video, which I hope leads to more YouTube views etc. It's pushing 65,000 views as of this writing!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMqutKBS5iE]

Unfortunately, I wasn't lucid enough to plug my latest KML video, Feed The Lobster: Costumes, which could use more views, as we made it to generate donations to KML itself. See that vid here.

Thanks to Thalia and Queena Kim for their interest and for the coverage!

Feed The Lobster.

Folks, my latest video for Killing My Lobster is up and I'm proud as hell of it. It's an ad for, what else, KML. They're a non-profit, after all, and they provide a valuable service for the Bay Area and beyond: make people laugh. If you're down to donate a couple of bucks, please do.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVnbOS9RmvI]

Thanks to the fine folks at Goodby, Silverstein & Partners, who loaned us their ArtWorks studio space, and GSP's Eric Herron, who helped us out with equipment, elbow grease, expertise, and good humor.

Directed by me, co-written and co-produced by my buddy Miriam Wild-Smith, and costumed, acted, and edited with love by a plethora of Lobsters. Enjoy!

"Coffee Wars" boils over!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMqutKBS5iE&hl=en_US&feature=player_embedded&version=3] I've spent a sizable chunk of my spare time this past year writing and teaching for Killing My Lobster, the Second City of San Francisco. And while I feel like I spent the first few months making my bones, earning the respect of my talented co-writers and our equally gifted actors and directors, I like to think I've gone on to acquit myself over this year's shows.

The latest, and possibly most satisfying, example of this is the film I wrote and produced for Killing My Lobster Holds the Mayo, their final show of the year. The film is called The Coffee Wars and it's a Ken Burns parody, showcasing the rivalry between two of the best-known (and my favorite) artisan coffee brands in town.

It's blown up beyond all (well, my) expectations thus far, garnering over 8,00014,000 hits in less than three days, and crazy amounts of Twitter chatter. It's even attracted a hater or two, which is always a sure sign of online heat.

Kudos to director Rand Courtney, actors Fred Wickham and Sarah Mitchell, and the rest of the superb cast, crew, and musicians who made this film such a joy to make and, I hope, to watch. With apologies to Joan Baez.